the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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