I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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