why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
What drink are we having for lunch?
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
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