just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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