i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
