Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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