i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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