maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Success! We fucked roommates!
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
