1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
