We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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