The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
