The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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