I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
