I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
