Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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