I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
