I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
