He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
