I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
