She is in my trunk
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
