he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
home. puking in laundry basket.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
