Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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