1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Randomize