my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
