Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
