I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
