genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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