Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize