He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
