quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
