She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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