the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Just invented taco cereal.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Randomize
