I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I was not drunk enough for that final.
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