I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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