It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
