We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Just high enough for therapy.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
