If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Randomize
