So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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