she woke up with a sticky ear
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
