Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
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