Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
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