She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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