Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
