Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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