I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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