you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
