Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
it glows. i had to have it.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
