i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
