i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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