I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
