I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
