Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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