Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
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