the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
