guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
