2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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