first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
