I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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