Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
