Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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