Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
He passed out mid-signature
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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