shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
