If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
