You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
