I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
