i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
