I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
